Shedding Off the Last Leaf

Posted on December 20, 2015 by Spirit Moments

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Year 2015 started out as an ordinary one. But it ended up rather inauspiciously for me. It was chugging along just fine to a routine, ordinary ending when a minor calamity struck. i hd a bypass surgery. Looking back now, the procedure itself was uneventful but what it did to me was a catastrophe. In the aftermath, I was beset by so much negativity, pessimism, mistrust, doubts, skepticism and disenchantment. The emotional and spiritual turmoil I went through caused more suffering than the physical pain did.

Now, the year is about to end. Winter has come and it is time to shed the last leaf of pessimism and negativity and let it fall to the ground. It is time to walk out of the shadows into the light of a new day and new beginnings. It is time to let the rains and the snow fall and let the streams of life start flowing again. It is time to peel off the crusts of cynicism and doubt that have enveloped me in recent months.

It is Christmas and it is time to see the stars shine in the wintry cold of night. It is time to learn again the lesson of finding peace and joy in the simplicity of the manger. It is time to leave behind the cynicism and and the skepticism that has bedeviled me since my operation and see the beauty, innocence and the promise of a better tomorrow in the eyes of the baby in the manger.It is the season to relish family and friends, no matter how humble, and to be thankful for the love and care they bring into our lives. it is a good time to realize how great things can grow out of small beginnings, how space for caring and sharing is created even when we crowd out our hearts with useless and pointless quests and busyness.It is time to let the light from God shine into our lives and show us the way to that which our spirits deeply hunger for.

Then, it will be a merry Christmas and a happy New Year.

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The Mess I Am In Is The Basis Of My Faith

Posted on December 18, 2015 by Spirit Moments

I believe in God. But I have learned that God will not bail me out of my mess. Instead, He uses my mess to make me and my life better.

The universe is a chaotic place, ever changing with stars exploding into nothingness every minute and new stars (novae) being formed by the millions every moment. And out of the debris and dust of the dead stars, God has fashioned out a paradise called we have called Earth. Not by magic but by the process He has ordained since the first Big Bang.

Earth is about a third as old or as young as the universe – 4.5 billion years vs. 14 billion years. In the unfolding of time, Earth has become a paradise which has shown us a glimpse of the beauty and the goodness of God.

But God is not an inanimate principle that rules the universe like the principles of mathematics and physics. God is a person who cares and loves us in a deep and intimate way. That is why we can “feel His caring hands” in the dawning of each day or “see His sublime face” in the stars that twinkle at night or “hear His lovely voice” in the rush of the wind.

Life is a mystery and it is difficult to truly understand why we even exist. And to make it even more mysterious, this God has revealed Himself to us. And an even deeper mystery is that this God has chosen to become one of us to reveal Himself in an even deeper and more intimate manner. God became man.

This is too difficult for many to believe today. We keep on celebrating Christmas and yet many would remove the ‘Christ’- the God who became man – from the festivities. For all his genius and sensibility, men can sometimes be irrational, absurd and obdurate. But like the beautiful cosmos and the paradise it has spawned on earth, I believe God will fashion out something good and beautiful out of our pigheadedness.

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Some Thoughts as The Force Awakens

Posted on December 17, 2015 by Spirit Moments

The Force Awakens opens this weekend and is the talk of the town. I’m thinking . . . .

Sheer probability alone would dictate that we are not alone in the universe. Our galaxy alone – the Milky Way – a rather small one compared to the millions of galaxies out there, has about 500 billion stars all of which have planets revolving around them. There’s got to be other living, feeling and thinking beings out there. What are the chances? The odds are actually good.

And yet, for all our efforts to reach our and search, we are still actually alone. And in the billions of years before us, other civilizations in some galaxies far far  away must have found ways and means of finding and encountering us. But it is sheer cosmic silence out there. What are the chances that we are actually the only living, feeling and thinking beings in the entire universe. What are the chances? The possibility is staggering.

Just because we do not see or encounter them does not mean they (the extra-terrestrials) do not exist. In the same way, just because we do not see or encounter God the way our senses are accustomed to does not mean he does not exist.

Man’s ability to think has led us on this search – for life elsewhere in the universe and for a God who made it all. We see something and we know from experience there is an antecedent event that caused it. Nothing comes from nothing. And everything something we see has been caused by something else. And yet when we come to the end of all causes, many rational people who would swear by the principle of causation and causality are okay with the thought that the universe and everything in it are actually uncaused. How is that?

There is a lot mystery in life and in the universe. We will never get to know all the answer, may be ever. But I can live with the thought that there is a God who triggered off the primeval Big Bang. In fact, I derive great inspiration and insight in this thought.

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Choice And Changes

Posted on December 16, 2015 by Spirit Moments

I can be self-absorbed in my pain and be miserable. Or, I can chose to still be a giving and generous person in my sufferings and see that pain is an essential ingredient of life. Some of y pain is often self-inflicted but many of it comes with the process of living. For more than beings, we are becomings, subject tot he constant changes in and around us. And changes always give rise to discomfort, pain and suffering.

Through it all, there is always the choice. We have always been limited in his mobility. But through choice and creativity, men have created different means of transportation that has enabled them to move people and resources around the planet with relative ease. But men have also often chosen to be destructive of others and of the environment. There are wars, conflicts, pollution and deleterious climate changes.

Paris in recent days have shown the world what evil and what good men are capable of. The massacres of November 14 were despicable and inhuman acts, causing pain and suffering that was totally irrational and unnecessary. The vengeful response was equally condemnable but which many approved of and applauded. Nobler were the countless Parisians who went out to help the victims and gathered in sympathy to show the perpetrators that they have not been able to snuff our the nobility of character in the people of Paris. In fact, France – even in the midst of the carnage –  renewed its pledge to accept refugees from the troubled land where the terrorists came from or drew their motivation.

And then this week, the Paris Conference came up with a landmark agreement on climate change, signed by 200 nations. The agreement showed that men are capable of deciding and acting together for the sake of our common good.

There is a lot to be sad and worried about current events in the world. But we can also choose to see the good things and the good people around and among us.

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Real Miracles

Posted on December 14, 2015 by Spirit Moments

In my pain and suffering, I actually prayed for a miracle. I prayed that God take away the pain or at least make it bearable. But the pain stayed on. I prayed for strength to courageously bear my pain; but courage failed me. I prayed for sleep so that I will not feel the pain; but sleep wouldn’t come. I prayed for people to reach out to me to comfort me. They did – with loving care and tenderness; but I yearned for more. I prayed for love but all I could feel was my pain. I prayed for light and all I could see was the darkness.

And in those dark hours, I began to lose my faith. Prayers do not work and miracles do not happen. At least now in my life. Nor in my here and now.

All the while, the biggest miracle was staring me in the face. It was a miracle that I was alive at all. Once more, this lesson struck me: there is no reason why I should be here and yet there I was – alive. I might have been going through a lot of pain but I was alive. And I have been given everything I needed to make something out of the life I have received.

I am a miracle. I should not be here and yet here I am. When I wake up each morning, there is the miracle of a new day. I have received talents and gifts. I can use these for my own benefit. When I use them for others, there is the miracle of true generosity. I have my limits and weaknesses. When I strive to go beyond these weaknesses and limitation, there is the miracle of God’s grace at work in my life.

Miracles are not in the stars and in the heavens. They happen in my relationships and in my moments.

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Authentic Generosity

Posted on December 13, 2015 by Spirit Moments

I am not really a selfish person. When asked to give, I usually give rather freely of my time, talent and treasure. When there is something meaningful or an important task to be done, I am usually among the first to stand up and volunteer.

But I feel deep inside me that I am not a totally generous person either. When giving I tend to keep the last peso or dollar for myself, sometimes afraid of ending up with nothing for myself. Or when volunteering for good, I ask in the back of y mind, “What’s in it for me?”

I have worked with two great persons in the past. And I have seen these tendencies well up in me while working with them. I was not at all happy.

Fr. Abesamis was an inspiring teacher. He showed and taught me in the gospels while reading the current events of the day. He inspired me to work for the liberation of the poor and the oppressed, for the upliftment
of the last, the lost and the least of my brothers. It meant giving up everything to be unencumbered  for the task ahead of us. I wavered and finally walked a separate way. But Ray and Joe and Martin walked with him and they are all gone.

Dr. Bengzon was an inspiring boss and he would often take us on flights of fancy on what and how we can do nation-building in his sessions and talks with us. I was inspired no end to do what I could to make a difference in Philippines society. It meant giving up working for my own career. “What’s in it for me?” kept playing in my ear like a cacophonic earworm. In the end, I walked a separate way.

Still, I am not overly attached to material things and I can give them away easily. In my twilight years, I have become even less attached to possessions. I have not had difficulties simplifying my life for I did not have a lot to really give up. But the recent event is my life have told me again that I still have to learn how to truly generous: to be able to give even when there is no more to give, to give without counting the cost, to give without asking for a reward, to give and not ask for rest.

“Lord, teach me how to be generous.”

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Generosity And Pain

Posted on December 12, 2015 by Spirit Moments

I became very selfish and self-preoccupied in my pain. I became fixated on my suffering and on my needs. I became very grasping and wanting things for myself, done my way and in my time. I wanted God to do something special for me. I wanted people to fuss and fawn around me. I expected them to stop what they are doing and pay me extra attention. And when I did not get what I wanted, I asked “Why?” thinking my expectations were part of my pain, not realizing that my self-centeredness was only making my agony more acute.

In contrast, I saw Crystal so giving and so generous even as she ached in all her body during the throes of her last moments of life. She has a smile for everyone. You can see she was in pain but she did not make herself a burden to others. In the end, she was a liberating presence to many even as she left us with her absence.

People were sad that she was gone but they were all touched by her courage, strength and magnanimity of spirit. She left us with sadness but even more she left us with many beautiful memories. In addition of the memories, she taught us lessons on how to be a noble human person even in the face of suffering, how to live life to the fullest even when it is taken away too early, how to give and still be generous even one is breathing one’s final ones, how to be happy and at peace even if life does not turn out the way we planned it.

Pain can break a person or it can be a liberating experience, depending on whether one faces it with selfishness or with generosity.

 

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Pain and Prayers

Posted on December 11, 2015 by Spirit Moments

Emotions and feelings, whether good (like joy) or bad (like sorrow), can be shared. In fact, in there lies the power of emotions. Good emotions, when shared, are multiplied. Bad emotions, when shared, are divided.

Pain is not for sharing. No one can ever know the pain another person is going through. One might “feel” the pain of another but the pain itself is never shared. It remains highly personal and unique to the person going through it. After my recent bout with severe pain, I am now less ready to say to another “Let me share your pain.” No other statement could be more presumptuous, even if the intention to commiserate is sincere.

Pain is an essential component of life. There is pain at birth, the beginning of life. There will be pain at death, the end of life. There is pain in between the beginning and the end. Some pain is necessary, like the pain of a mother at childbirth or the pain of an operation to heal the body. Some pain is unnecessary and uncalled for, like the sufferings brought about by war and man’s inhumanity to man. Some pain comes with nature, like the pain of famine when crops fail or the pain of destruction when natural calamities strike.

Again, after my recent experience of excruciating pain, I am wary of using prayer as an antidote for pain. Prayers will not take the pain away, much as we would want to. Christ prayed in the garden for His agony to pass away.  But it did not. I prayed for my pain to go away but it did not either. i will be careful from now on in offering my prayers for someone in pain.

Life unfolds through pain and pleasure. I have been gifted with life and I cannot choose only the good parts. The bad parts are as essential as the good ones. I also have everything I need to live my life with gratitude as I go through the good times and with fortitude as I go through the bad times.

Therefore, I pray not for pain to go away but for me to survive and go through it victoriously. What does not destroy me will make me stronger. I pray not for pain to be absent in my life for for me to be strong and courageous to go through the pain triumphantly to bring me to the next level of my journey.

I still fear pain but I shall befriend him and get to know him better. The next time around I will know what and how to do better.

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Crystal

Posted on December 10, 2015 by Spirit Moments

The pain of my operations was not only physical. The more difficult to handle was the emotional and spiritual pain that came with the physical. It was the physical that pushed me over the edge of despondency and helplessness. But it was mostly gone after a week. It was the emotional pain and spiritual anguish that lingered for weeks and even months. It was the emotional ennui and the spiritual angst that really broke me and made me feel all alone.

I wished for God to come and help me make sense and find meaning in my pain; but He was silent and felt like He abandoned me. I wished for people to come and commiserate with me but it seemed everyone was busy going about their daily concerns. I wished for the world to stop and be with me in my misery but the world just kept on spinning around unconcerned about my pain.

People somehow reached out to me and offered their prayers and well-wishes for my speedy recovery and health. But they did not really know the pain I was going through. Emotions and feeling can be shared. But pain is deeply personal and unique to every person. People do not know the pain of others. And prayers do not work to take away the pain.

Looking back now, I really hated the person I was during those days. Like, I was a totally different person. I even thought that I took on the personality of the person or persons whose blood was transfused into me.

This is in sharp contrast to Crystal on her last day. She was obviously in great pain. She was on patient controlled analgesia. Still, she had her winsome smile for everyone who came to see her. And when I came up to her, she even managed to ask how I was doing after my operation. I came close to tears. Not our of pity for Crystal but at the realization at how selfish I was during my pain and how generous and noble Crystal is even in the depths and throes of her terrible pain.

To give when there is no more to give. To give and not to count the cost. To give and not to expect anything in return. Pain is an essential component of life. There is pain in childbirth to give new life. There is pain in my operation to make me healthier. There is pain for Crystal as she makes the transition to a new life. I was a selfish coward and I hope I have learned my lesson. Crystal was a brave and giving person up to the very end. She has taught me a lesson. We bring her to her final resting place today.

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The Pain

Posted on December 3, 2015 by Spirit Moments

I went into surgery praying for an uneventful procedure and an expeditious recovery. Then, I offered whatever pain I would experience as a sacrifice in atonement for my sins and as a sacrifice for the relief of the pain in the world by taking more than what I thought was my share. I thought I was being a good Christian by adopting such an attitude as I was being wheeled into the operating room.

I did not know what I was asking for, nor what I was getting into. I had major procedures before: a cholecystectomy and an angioplasty. They were painful and even traumatic procedures but I just toughened it out as I bore the pain stoically. In the end, the pain was bearable in both instances. This time, the pain was totally overpowering it drove me crazy.

Initially, I took the pain with forbearance, refusing the pain killers being given to me. As the pain started smarting up, I started taking them – in slowly ever increasing doses. On the fifth day, I think I had the strongest dose and I got clobbered by the side effects. I started hallucinating and imagining things. Everything seemed topsy-turvy. When I opened my eyes, the room would start spinning around. I got nauseous but I couldn’t throw up because of my huge incision on my chest. I was awake the whole night tossing around, waiting for the pain to dissipate but it wouldn’t. I got to sleep a few hours in the wee hours of the morning and surprisingly, the pain was a lot less when I woke up in the morning.

The following night was even worse. I experienced a severe hyperacidity in my stomach. It felt like my stomach walls were being washed with acid and the acid was eating away my flesh. And just when I thought the pain could not get any more intense, I felt like my stomach walls were being scraped to expose raw flesh and more acid being poured onto the now exposed oped flesh. This time I was really shouting. I wailed for the pain to go away. But it seemed like the more I cried out, the more excruciating the pain became.

I thought I had a special relationship with God. I thought I had a strong faith. I thought He would be there by my side. As pain was eating me up, I prayed that sleep would come and that I would see the Lord at least in my dreams as I slept. But sleep wouldn’t come. I offered my pain up to God and said I would bear it all for the sake of others who could not, hoping the pain would become bearable or at least meaningful. But the pain was just unbearable and was becoming even sharper and stronger. I asked the Lord to let me know I was not alone. But nothing. Only silence and darkness were my companions as I suffered the pain.

I thought I was special and would find consolation in the pain of my surgery. At the height of my agony, I reckoned either I was not special or that there is no God who wold help me in my misery. In the end I felt both. I prayed daily and believed i was in His presence. I did work that I thought He inspired me to go into. I tried to be a better person because that is what He wanted His followers to be. But when I needed Him to help me in my pain and bring me comfort and reassurance, nothing!

I was not angry but I felt betrayed and abandoned. In the end, I started feeling and thinking that my faith was nothing but a fool’s dream.

 

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