The pain of my operations was not only physical. The more difficult to handle was the emotional and spiritual pain that came with the physical. It was the physical that pushed me over the edge of despondency and helplessness. But it was mostly gone after a week. It was the emotional pain and spiritual anguish that lingered for weeks and even months. It was the emotional ennui and the spiritual angst that really broke me and made me feel all alone.
I wished for God to come and help me make sense and find meaning in my pain; but He was silent and felt like He abandoned me. I wished for people to come and commiserate with me but it seemed everyone was busy going about their daily concerns. I wished for the world to stop and be with me in my misery but the world just kept on spinning around unconcerned about my pain.
People somehow reached out to me and offered their prayers and well-wishes for my speedy recovery and health. But they did not really know the pain I was going through. Emotions and feeling can be shared. But pain is deeply personal and unique to every person. People do not know the pain of others. And prayers do not work to take away the pain.
Looking back now, I really hated the person I was during those days. Like, I was a totally different person. I even thought that I took on the personality of the person or persons whose blood was transfused into me.
This is in sharp contrast to Crystal on her last day. She was obviously in great pain. She was on patient controlled analgesia. Still, she had her winsome smile for everyone who came to see her. And when I came up to her, she even managed to ask how I was doing after my operation. I came close to tears. Not our of pity for Crystal but at the realization at how selfish I was during my pain and how generous and noble Crystal is even in the depths and throes of her terrible pain.
To give when there is no more to give. To give and not to count the cost. To give and not to expect anything in return. Pain is an essential component of life. There is pain in childbirth to give new life. There is pain in my operation to make me healthier. There is pain for Crystal as she makes the transition to a new life. I was a selfish coward and I hope I have learned my lesson. Crystal was a brave and giving person up to the very end. She has taught me a lesson. We bring her to her final resting place today.