A Doubting Faith

My faith has never been one of absolute certitude. I am often beset by doubts. I imagine myself in the presence of my God but sometimes I feel I am all alone. There is nobody else there. I imagine myself having a conversation with someone; but it all seems make-believe. I am just talking to myself. I believe my prayers will eventually change me for the better. But I have remained the same person that I have always been: selfish, afraid, insecure, yet full of pride. Even the good things I like about myself have always been with me. I was born that way.

And yet, after all these years I do not want to give up now. What if I am almost there and I give up just a few steps away from where I want to be or from that which I seek? There has always been something obstinate in me that refuses to give up even when everything seems to be lost. I will never give up on something or someone I love. I will never give up something or someone that is beautiful to me. I cling to the truth even when it does not seem to make sense.

So there are days that I spend in the darkness of doubts. Foolishly perhaps, I want to think that it is the darkest just before the dawn. And even if I doubt the power of prayers just now, I pray that the dawn comes for me soon.

My mouth will declare your praise.

Then Peter said, “Look, we have left everything and followed you. What then will we have?”
Jesus said to them, “Truly I tell you, at the renewal of all things,
when the Son of Man is seated on the throne of his glory,
you who have followed me will also sit on twelve thrones,
judging the twelve tribes of Israel.
And everyone who has left houses or brothers or sisters
or father or mother or children or fields, for my name’s sake,
will receive a hundredfold, and will inherit eternal life.”
Matthew 19:27-29

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