I have always been hungry for affirmation and public adulation. And somehow, I have always gotten it. I love being the center of attention for something I have done, or something I have said, or simply just being funny or charming. Yet, I am basically a shy person. I would generally shun public attention for fear of failing, being laughed at or not being paid attention to.
This craving for attention, affirmation, even for exultation, seems like an insatiable hunger that could never be filled or a thirst that could never be quenched. Last night was our last class at the ILM and it was an evaluation session of our past three years together. Everyone agreed it was a great program and that all of us have become better persons because of it. We have been intellectually challenged, spiritually nourished and emotionally strengthened through our time together. We have become a small community of learners and believers.
As my classmates were gushing with positive comments and very useful suggestions and comments, I was struggling in my seat. I was looking for something smart to say that would draw attention to myself and be admired for it; but I was tongue-tied during the whole time. I did not know what to say. I even felt like I was not with the class. All of a sudden I felt like a stranger in roomful of friends, an outsider in a closely-knit community. I realized my hunger for recognition and need for affirmation was the root cause of my feeling alienation at that moment.
I needed to get away from myself to heal myself of the disappointment I was experiencing. Moments of humility and living in ordinariness bring me to a realization that my hunger and thirst is self-inflicted. And in the midst of my inner turmoil, I was reminded of St. Teresa’s mantra: “Nada te turbe. Solo Dios basta.”
I am the living bread that came down from heaven. Whoever eats of this bread will live forever; and the bread that I will give for the life of the world is my flesh.
John 6:44-51