For the nth time, my life has again been turned upside down, tossed around and about, topsy-turvy as in a state of utter confusion. We have pulled up our stakes again and made yet another major move – this time back home in the Philippines. Maybe for good. But of that, I am not too certain.
My routine has been totally disrupted. There is a certain aridity in me, like something has passed away or is dying. My prayer time has practically evaporated. I often find myself mulling over must-have-beens and should-have-beens. Lost and bewildered, I have kept away from God, asking “How can you have allowed this to happen to me?”, “Are you even there when I need your consoling presence?”, “Do you even care?”
Yet, there are somethings that have somehow remained constant, unchanging. There is an internal clock that still wakes me up at the break of dawn. And I would take my early morning walk.
Or is that the hand of God nudging and telling me it is time for our daily conversation? But I have shut him out. I have stopped my daily morning prayers and quit my Spirit Moments reflections. Lost, confused, and agitated, I notice that I easily get distracted and I readily get anxious. What is happening to me? Or is that the Hound of Heaven gently rebuking me: “Lo! naught contents thee, who content’st not Me.”
I still find solace in my nature walks and even just going over my photos of nature.When I immerse myself in thoughts of nature, I can feel the mighty presence and powerful grace of a hovering and abiding Presence near me. I try to shoo Him away but I feel his calming effect on me when I immerse myself in the beauty of nature. I somehow then rest easy in the assurance that “God is in his heaven and all is right with the world”.
I still love being with people, specially persons who are dear to me, family and friends who helped me be who I am today. When I think of people, I become deeply grateful for the relationships in my life: the fleeting as well as the lasting ones, the deep ones and the flippant, the love-filled and the loveless, the nurturing and the destructive. I realize that God speaks loudest to me through the people in my life. Sometimes, he whispers; there are times he shouts. Sometimes, I listen; other times, I turn a deaf ear. There are times I wish I could see or feel or hear God like I do the people in my life. I guess that would be what a mystical experience would be. But that could be too much for me. I would probably die or literally and physically explode from the ineffability of the experience. So, now I am back to my daily Sacred Moments reflections. Deo gratias.
Yes, there is an emptiness inside us that no material thing or even person can ever full-fill. “Nade te turbe; solo Dios basta.” says Teresa of Avila. This morning of great re-awakening, I make this great prayer from Rabindranath Tagore as my own:
You have made me endless, Lord, such is your pleasure.
This frail vessel you empty out again and again,
and fill it ever with fresh life.
Your infinite gifts come to me only
on these very small hands of mine.
Ages pass, and still you pour,
and still there is room to fill.
