Amidst all the Christmas and New Year festivities this year, I have been feeling rather down in the dumps. There were disagreements and misunderstandings in the family that caused a lot of hurts among us. I am missing those who are not here with me. I miss the Christmas celebrations of last when we had two weddings in the family. Then there was a death in the family. There was a lot of pain both on the person who died and those left behind.
I am feeling kind of tired of trying and struggling. I try to give my best but it seems my best is not good enough. And at this moment, I feel I have no more to give. But still I am expected to. I will still try to. I am getting tired of loving and trying to make others happy. I love doing this when I do it because I love to. But I hate it when I do it because I have to. I am feeling selfish right now and thinking, “Hey how about receiving something in return for a change?”
A doctor-friend diagnosed me as a case of SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder). But I think this is a thing of the spirit. Someone is trying to tell me something. To be quiet and to listen. I know this will pass away, just as 2014 has passed away and just as 2015 will also pass away. Perhaps next year, I will look back to this morning and say with a smile, “It has made me a stronger and better person.
But for the moment, like Mary, I will keep all these things, reflecting them in my heart. Right now, I pray for healing that all the pain and hurts will go away, specially the ones I might have caused in others because of the mood I am in. If they won’t go away, I pray for courage and strength to bear them until they go away or I have developed the fortitude to bear them courageously. I pray for forgiveness that I can give it to those who have hurt me and that I can receive it from those I have hurt.