Lunacy And Old Age

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I admit to being a lunatic. Nothing can stir more tender emotions in me that a full moon on a cloudless night in some faraway place by the sea or in the woods or up in some hills. I would love the silence and the quiet.

Here among flowers a single jug of wine,
No close friends here, I pour alone
And lift a cup to bright moon, ask it to join me
~ Li Bai

Lately though, I experience silence and quiet even in the midst of a noisy and busy street, or in a bustling and lively mall, our even while watching TV and having a normal conversation. I feel my hearing is fading away. And rather fast. I do not mind the silence and the quiet. I love it in fact. But it gets in the way of my relationships and connections with people, which are even more precious to me.

I often miss a word in a conversation. Then I lose track of the context of the dialogue. And I end up lost and tuning out. Sometimes, I mishear and I make people around me chuckle or even laugh outright. Like, I thought someone I was talking with worked at the airport, when I thought I heard ‘landing’ in his response while it was ‘lending’ that he said. Or, how I replied “Oh, I just walked. I did not drive.” when I was asked “When did you arrive?”

When I was younger, similar incidents would also have made me chuckle, or in my meaner moments, I would probably laugh out the person making the mistake. As I get older, while these incidents may amuse others; they are starting to get to me and they are starting to hurt. Not only for being laughed at. But also for the effects these incidents have on my relationships.

Yes, I have always seen myself as mildly lunatic because of my love affair with the moon. But it gets me insecure if and when people would start thinking I have incipient dementia. But as long as I can preserve my love affair with the moon, I shall be able to keep the people I love.

The silver light, which, hallowing tree and tower,
Sheds beauty and deep softness o’er the whole,
Breathes also to the heart, and o’er it throws
A loving languor which is not repose.
~ Lord Byron

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