‘If you had faith the size of a mustard seed, you could say to this mulberry tree,
“Be uprooted and planted in the sea”, and it would obey you.’
I often wish I had that kind of faith.
What works of wonder I would be able to perform.
But that would really scare me.
Sometimes, I’d wish I could see the Lord in a vision.
What a beatific experience that would be.
That would be even more scary.
So, I often temper my faith with a healthy dose of doubting.
I know God is present in my life but often I’d tell myself,
“You’re imagining things.”
For if I truly and fully believed God’s presence, it would scare me shitless.
I want God in doses I can handle.
I pray and pray everyday.
Hard and with a full heart.
And in the last moment, I’d back down and
take his presence in portions I can handle.
This is how I often feel:
“Yet, if he said he loved me
I’d be lost, I’d be frightened
I couldn’t cope, just couldn’t cope
I’d turn my head, I’d back away
I wouldn’t want to know
He scares me so
I want him so
I love him so”