As I approach the evening of my life, I often think of things people my age think about: what else? how will it end? when will it come? what would I be doing then? I sometimes think of my “final exam”: will I be among the good fish that will be put into buckets or will I be among the bad that will be thrown away? will I be among the the sheep or among the goats? will I be asked to step to the right side or the left side?
In my life, I have not been totally good. But I have not been totally bad either. I have tried to live a righteous life. I believe I often succeeded. But there were times, I failed and failed miserably. I have had many moments that I truly loved and generously served others. But there have been instances too that I have been totally selfish. Knowing that I am such a mixed bag of the good, the bad and even the ugly, I put myself totally in the hands of God’s love and mercy.
And as my coming days are now a lot less than the days that I have lived, I want to make every moment count. I do not dream of changing the world anymore. I do not dream of completing one grand project by which I will be long remembered. I do not even hope to go out with one big bang.
I just want to have just one more game to play with Jonathan and one more story to share with Jane that they will long remember and cherish long after I am gone. I just want one more tight embrace or a long phone conversation with some estranged or distant relative to relish one last time the joys of family. I just want one more walk or hike with friends in the mountains or by the waters and to delight in the wonders and wisdom in nature and her treasures. I just want one more quiet moment with Anabelle, holding hands, watching the sun set, not saying a word but simply reliving in our shared heartbeats all the joys and sorrows that we have lived through together. And if I can have several of these again before I go, then I shall have no regrets leaving.