I talk in my sleep. On a recent trip, I had to share the room with a friend. One night, in the darkness of our shared room and as he was about to drift into sleep, my friend who like me is kinda hard of hearing, heard me say something. Thinking I was talking to him, he replied. And apparently we carried on for quite a while on what seemed to be a conversation.
I sometimes wonder if my conversations with the Lord are like this. I wonder if the Lord were trying to tell me something, would I know? Or is what I believe to be what the Lord is telling me really and actually from the Lord? If the Lord were reassuring me or challenging me, would I notice? Or, would my projects and values but the projections of my own deep-seated yearnings?
Many times, I wish I could do more good than what I have done and what I am doing? I wish I had more material resources to give an impactful and weighty contribution to the causes and people I believe in. I feel what I have to give is too little and what I can do is too insignificant. Like, I love to go and visit or meet up with friends and family but am I just imposing on them to satisfy my need for companionship? Or, I have devoted my years now to helping look after my grandchildren. Am I just taking things too easy? Or, could I not challenge myself more and be engaged in something more productive so I can have more to give or help more people? And when I give, could I not have given just a little bit more than what I did?
I struggle to be firm in my faith. I strive to see God’s Presence in my life. I seek to notice Him in the ordinary events of my everyday life. I am not always successful. As St. Paul has observed, I continue to work out my salvation with fear and trembling. I know I am frail and weak, prone to error and sin. And always, the constant companion of my faith are my endless doubts. Sometimes, doubts if the Presence is really present. At other times, doubts on whether I am truly hearing or seeing Him and His handiwork in my life. I guess true faith and enduring doubts will always go hand in hand. Graham Greene once wrote, “Doubt is the heart of the matter. Abolish all doubt, and what’s left is not faith, but absolute, heartless conviction.”