My Little Faith

I am a man of little faith. I do not have a faith that can move mountains. And the little I have is sometimes so fragile I am often beset by so many questions and doubts.

I have always believed that my life is led. There is a hand that holds me and brings me where He will. For how else can I explain or understand what or who brought me from the little town I was born in to where and who I am today. Doubts. Questions.

I know that I am loved. There is nothing I had wished for nor dreamed of that did not happen in my life. I said in my youth that a loving wife, two wonderful kids, good books to read, beautiful music to listen to, and scrumptious food to share with family and friends – these would make life perfect for me. All these I have had and more. What other signs of love do I need? And yet. Doubts. Questions.

I know that I am called to truth and goodness. I have worked for myself but I have always worked for the good of others. I have not always been honest and truthful but I have often agonized about being a person of integrity. I may have failed sometimes but I have always tried to good and truthful. Still. Doubts. Questions.

I am a very sensual person. I love to see beautiful sights and beautiful people. I love to hear uplifting music and inspiring stories. I love the smell of freshness in the morning and the languid laziness of the end of the day, specially after the rains. I love to taste the different flavors of food upon my tongue, from addicting sweetness to pungent spiciness to  piquant saltiness. Thus, I want to see and hear and smell and taste and touch the God I believe in. But my senses fail me. Then the Doubts. And the Questions.

Maybe my senses were not meant to be the tools for my encountering God? In prayer, i shut out all my senses and then the encounter happens? Questions. Doubts. And then dimly, Faith. Through the glass, darkly.

I love you, Lord, my strength.
~ Psalm 18

A man came up to Jesus, knelt down before him, and said,
“Lord, have pity on my son, who is a lunatic and suffers severely;
often he falls into fire, and often into water.
I brought him to your disciples, but they could not cure him.”
Jesus said in reply,
“O faithless and perverse generation, how long will I be with you?
How long will I endure you?
Bring the boy here to me.”
Jesus rebuked him and the demon came out of him,
and from that hour the boy was cured.
Then the disciples approached Jesus in private and said,
“Why could we not drive it out?”
He said to them, “Because of your little faith.
Amen, I say to you, if you have faith the size of a mustard seed,
you will say to this mountain,
‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move.
Nothing will be impossible for you.”
Matthew 17:14-20