I am a man of little faith. I do not have a faith that can move mountains. And the little I have is sometimes so fragile I am often beset by so many questions and doubts.
I have always believed that my life is led. There is a hand that holds me and brings me where He will. For how else can I explain or understand what or who brought me from the little town I was born in to where and who I am today. Doubts. Questions.
I know that I am loved. There is nothing I had wished for nor dreamed of that did not happen in my life. I said in my youth that a loving wife, two wonderful kids, good books to read, beautiful music to listen to, and scrumptious food to share with family and friends – these would make life perfect for me. All these I have had and more. What other signs of love do I need? And yet. Doubts. Questions.
I know that I am called to truth and goodness. I have worked for myself but I have always worked for the good of others. I have not always been honest and truthful but I have often agonized about being a person of integrity. I may have failed sometimes but I have always tried to good and truthful. Still. Doubts. Questions.
I am a very sensual person. I love to see beautiful sights and beautiful people. I love to hear uplifting music and inspiring stories. I love the smell of freshness in the morning and the languid laziness of the end of the day, specially after the rains. I love to taste the different flavors of food upon my tongue, from addicting sweetness to pungent spiciness to piquant saltiness. Thus, I want to see and hear and smell and taste and touch the God I believe in. But my senses fail me. Then the Doubts. And the Questions.
Maybe my senses were not meant to be the tools for my encountering God? In prayer, i shut out all my senses and then the encounter happens? Questions. Doubts. And then dimly, Faith. Through the glass, darkly.