Most of my life, I was concerned with building, creating, making new and making better. These days I often think about the end, of winding down, of leaving this life and going someplace of which I have no real knowledge. I am not afraid of death for I know it will eventually come. I am worried and afraid of how I will eventually go. I am not afraid of pain. I will find ways to bear it. I do not want to be a burden to others, for them to seem me suffer or to be treated with sufferance when I have finally become a doddering, senile old man with dementia. I am worried of the bills I may incur in my old age.
I find solace and consolation in my prayer time, clinging on to the words and promises of God. They calm me down and they give me a positive perspective on how to face my life these days. But there are days when I am beset by doubts and wonder whether I am just engaging in wishful thinking, that these are the things I want to see but will not happen in reality. I live in a secular society which denies or does not believe what I hold dear and true. Yet, there are many people whom I respect and esteem highly that affirm what I do and what I believe in.
My whole life has been happy and beautiful. I have loved deeply and have been loved dearly. I have touched a lot of hearts and have been likewise influenced and changed by many wonderful people. I have managed events that have inspired and pleased people and I have participated in activities that have left inspired, happy and fulfilled. If only for all of these, I can leave this life with no regrets even if nothing comes afterwards. But still, there is this yearning in me that longs to live forever. Is it a just a yearning or a real sign of what is to come?
The LORD said to me, “You are my Son; this day I have begotten you.”
Jesus said to his disciples:
“Do not let your hearts be troubled.
You have faith in God; have faith also in me.
In my Father’s house there are many dwelling places.
If there were not, would I have told you that I am going to prepare a place for you?
And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back again and take you to myself,
so that where I am you also may be. Where I am going you know the way.”
Thomas said to him,
“Master, we do not know where you are going; how can we know the way?”
Jesus said to him, “I am the way and the truth and the life.
No one comes to the Father except through me.”
John 14:1-6